Birthday Celebration

Honored Guests,

Taking place Saturday, June 24th 2006, the celebration of the birth of Douglas Cress will be held at Water Taxi Beach amidst the splendor of some of the most beautiful scenery on the East Coast.

For Manhattanites, the day can begin at East 34th Street with the New York Water Taxi to Hunter's Point, Queens. After a brief yet luxurious yacht ride on the East River, guests will be ushered to a reception held on the sands of the world renown Water Taxi Beach.

The afternoon includes a selection of fine beers, cheap beer, a BBQ luncheon, beach volley ball, sexy supermodels and musical entertainment. The event is in support of Douglas Cress and his mission to foster good times amongst good people. If you know of good people, bring them along too.

The NY Water Taxi schedule can be found here. I will be departing from 34th Street at the East River at 3:17PM. If you show up at that time and recite the phrase "douglascress-dot-blogspot-dot-com" I will purchase your ticket; I have also contacted WTB officials regarding bulk beer procurement. For more information on getting to WTB, visit their website.

Hope to see you there.

Superfluous bookmark.

Toilet Paper Shortage On Upper East Side

NEW YORK, NY, May 17/PRNewswire/ -- Ms. Ariel Hassle,
Vice President of a local publishing organization,
joined neighborhood officials at press conference
today to discuss the shortage of toilet paper on the
Upper East Side.

“Its been pretty bad lately,” commented Ariel.  “There
hasn’t been any toilet paper in our office all week.”
When asked how she and her co-workers have been dealing
with the crisis, Ariel had this to say, “We’ve been
using napkins and paper towels...mostly.  When I came
into work on Monday there were two plungers and a Frech
Baguette stationed next to the toilet."

All over the UES local businesses have been struggling
with the shortage.  A rumor that a toilet paper
shipment was being delivered to a Duane Reade on E79th
sparked large-scale riots; the drug store was mobbed
by construction workers and off-duty police officers.
TP Speculators, looking to buy in bulk and sell at a
premium, added to the confusion.

“Everything was so frenzied!” remarked Ivana Tinkle.
“I saw two men defecate in their pants--by the time
they were ushered into a restroom, they were forced
to wipe with newspapers!!”

Hu Flung Pu, the owner of a nearby dry cleaner, shook
his head in disgust. “Toilet paper used to be available
at the local store, never more than a block away.
Only the laziest individuals would fail to keep a ready
supply.”

The lone man to escape unharmed was Douglas Cress,
Blogger and Renaissance Man.  “I never wipe my butt,"
remarked Doug, "What's wrong with you people?”