Toilet Paper Shortage On Upper East Side

NEW YORK, NY, May 17/PRNewswire/ -- Ms. Ariel Hassle,
Vice President of a local publishing organization,
joined neighborhood officials at press conference
today to discuss the shortage of toilet paper on the
Upper East Side.

“Its been pretty bad lately,” commented Ariel.  “There
hasn’t been any toilet paper in our office all week.”
When asked how she and her co-workers have been dealing
with the crisis, Ariel had this to say, “We’ve been
using napkins and paper towels...mostly.  When I came
into work on Monday there were two plungers and a Frech
Baguette stationed next to the toilet."

All over the UES local businesses have been struggling
with the shortage.  A rumor that a toilet paper
shipment was being delivered to a Duane Reade on E79th
sparked large-scale riots; the drug store was mobbed
by construction workers and off-duty police officers.
TP Speculators, looking to buy in bulk and sell at a
premium, added to the confusion.

“Everything was so frenzied!” remarked Ivana Tinkle.
“I saw two men defecate in their pants--by the time
they were ushered into a restroom, they were forced
to wipe with newspapers!!”

Hu Flung Pu, the owner of a nearby dry cleaner, shook
his head in disgust. “Toilet paper used to be available
at the local store, never more than a block away.
Only the laziest individuals would fail to keep a ready
supply.”

The lone man to escape unharmed was Douglas Cress,
Blogger and Renaissance Man.  “I never wipe my butt,"
remarked Doug, "What's wrong with you people?”